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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27148297">It’s only me, it doesn’t matter</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/M_spn_e26/pseuds/M_spn_e26'>M_spn_e26</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Whumptober 2020 [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anger, Anxiety, Blood, Gen, Peter Parker Has Anxiety, Peter Parker is a Mess, Scratching, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Very Reflective, Weight Issues, Worried May Parker (Spider-Man), self-harm scars</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 22:17:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,850</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27148297</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/M_spn_e26/pseuds/M_spn_e26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Thinking back over the years, Peter can’t figure out how he’d gotten to this point. He thought he had been smart about it for the most part. But now, hunched over the cabinet calling for May with a roaring in his ears and black vision he realizes he may have been a little stupid.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>May Parker &amp; Peter Parker</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Whumptober 2020 [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1973842</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Whumptober 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>It’s only me, it doesn’t matter</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Whumptober: Prompt 7<br/>I’ve got you | support, carrying</p>
<p>TRIGGER WARNING: please make sure you read the tags as all of the tags are pretty heavily used in this story, Peters thoughts are also very descriptive about what he’s doing</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thinking back over the years, Peter can’t figure out how he’d gotten to this point. He thought he had been smart about it for the most part. But now, hunched over the cabinet calling for May with a roaring in his ears and black vision he realizes he may have been a little stupid.</span>
</p>
<p class="p1"> </p>
<p class="p1">—-</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Over the years he’d done it off and on. He started when he was about ten and it had seemed smart, it made him feel better about himself. It started as a punishment for what he’d deemed as his own less than desirable behavior. When he’s upset about something he’s done, he takes the razor and makes a couple cuts. It always seemed to be fine so he just kept on doing it. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He wanted to improve himself. He was too weak and flawed. He lasted a couple years too before he broke down one day and told May all about it. Sometimes he regrets it a lot but he just couldn’t take it anymore, all the thoughts and the feelings and the guilt of all the bad things he’s done.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He was being a disappointment to May by doing this, he was being a bad person by doing that. So he had stopped, for a little while at least. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He only did it a couple times after that, when he got really upset. He wouldn’t have access to a razor and just grabbed broken glass or a kitchen knife and cut into his leg, watching the blood run all down his leg. He didn’t mean to do it so hard but he’d been so angry with himself that he hadn’t even felt any pain in the process. But seeing the cut well up and bleed had felt good.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Then about four years later, the stress and thoughts may have gotten to him a bit. Being Spider-Man, then not being Spider-Man and the warehouse falling and his thoughts-</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Well, it got to him a little bit. He broke down crying one day so </span>
  <em>
    <span class="s2">angry</span>
  </em>
  <span class="s1"> with himself and his stupid anxieties(as he’s been told they’re called) that he just couldn’t stop, scratching at his arms hoping to break the skin. Only making himself more upset while he fails and trying to stay quiet in the public bathroom. It had been a pretty low point, but he figured out how to deal with that.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He could start again, it used to make him feel better so it should now. Right? And he has wanted to do it, he just didn’t because of May and May won’t know. Thinking about how </span>
  <em>
    <span class="s2">badly</span>
  </em>
  <span class="s1"> he had wanted to make himself bleed back in that bathroom he decides to plan ahead. At least that’s kinda what he thinks he’s doing. It was a good idea.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">So now when Peter gets upset he goes and grabs his razor. Even when he’s not necessarily upset and has a spare moment he gets the razor, just in case. That way if he’s not home when he’s angry, he can just reopen the old wounds. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And this is making new scars, and Peters not sure why but he loves giving himself new scars. The old ones that never faded and the new ones that were serious enough to stay and turn into a pale white. And Peter loves when after he’s done there’s all the open wounds on his skin- </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But that’s not what got him here, calling for May’s help. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It was that everything was going okay. He’d never had any issues with it. And then the hatred of his weight started.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Peters not sure when it started to bother him. He never really noticed until it had gotten really bad, bothering him to the point of wanting to not eat just so that fat on his stomach would go away. And people always tell him </span>
  <em>
    <span class="s2">oh what do you mean your so skinny </span>
  </em>
  <span class="s1">or </span>
  <em><span class="s2">why would you want to lose weight</span> <span class="s2">you don’t even need to lose any</span></em>
  <span class="s1"> like that makes him feel any better about his weight. Or makes it easier to look in the mirror and see all the fat all over his body.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Of course he would never not eat, too many people would notice. And he needs to be able to perform his duties as Spider-Man and not eating would hinder that. But he’s thought about it a lot, considered it.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Until one day he has enough, he completely changes his diet. He cuts out any extra food and most sugary foods. If he’s hungry at all he eats fruit or eggs or chicken, not eating as much spaghetti and sandwiches and other foods like that. He sometimes eats a burger or a muffin every once in a while but that’s it. Sometimes May will bring home Thai or donuts and he’ll eat some, then hate himself because he knows he’ll gain some weight because he ate all that fat.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And it works for a little while. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The scale starts to drop and he feels a little happier about himself. And then the scale stops dropping except for maybe half a pound or it </span>
  <em>
    <span class="s2">rises</span>
  </em>
  <span class="s1">. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Peter had looked into all sorts of diets and fasting techniques, so when he sees that a 48 hour fast helped someone lose some weight he decided to try. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1">He thinks that that’s where he didn’t think things through enough. He didn’t do enough research. He didn’t count it as starving himself because it was a </span><em><span class="s2">fast</span></em><span class="s1">, it was different. </span>May ends up thinking differently later on.</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Peter goes about his routine for the first day; eating nothing, drinking water, going to school and being Spider-Man. It goes great and he doesn’t even feel too bad, so he decides to go for the second day.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">That day at school turns out to be hell, patrol goes horribly and he just gets so angry with himself for being so stupid. He picks up the razor and makes a couple cuts but things are different this time.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He starts to feel a little light headed, which confuses him because it had never happened before. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Then his vision starts to darken-</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He starts to hear a roaring in his ears-</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And Peter realizes if he doesn’t get someone to help him he will pass out on the bathroom floor with a razor and open cuts. He needs to get to May, he can’t let her just find him like this.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Peter stands, dropping the razor to the floor. He’s swaying and using the wall for support as he walks slowly to the door. When his vision goes completely black and he can only hear the roaring he starts to panic. </span>
  <em>
    <span class="s2">I’m not going to make it there!</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">. . .</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Then May’s there and he’s leaning against the table and now he can hear a little and- </span>
  <span class="s2"><em>someone is calling for May? oh wait that’s him</em>.</span>
  <span class="s1"> May will help him, he needs help.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Peter! Peter, what’s wrong!” May grabs into his arm and he looks towards her, vision clearing enough to make her out.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Peter can feel his throat burn and tears filling his eyes as he whispers, “I messed up.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">May’s looking at him and she grabs his arm and starts to help him back to the bathroom, Peter leaning heavily against her. “Ok let’s go back in the bathroom, easy, I’ve got you.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Peter sits down on the toilet, pulling his shorts down revealing the cuts on his thighs and </span>
  <em>
    <span class="s2">why did I do that I could have hidden it-</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Honey, I need you to tell me what happened,” May asks quietly kneeling down and rubbing her hand down his arm. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Peter blurts out everything, the weight loss and starting again. Luckily May doesn’t say anything, just nods and leaves for a moment and returns with a box of pop tarts in hand. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You need to eat some,” May says while pulling one out and handing it to Peter. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Peter takes it with a shaking hand and slowly breaks off a piece and puts it into his mouth. He still feels a little light headed but it clears up enough for him to fully realize what he’s done once he’s halfway through the pop tart. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">His eyes and throat burn, making it difficult to swallow the pastry pieces. When a tear starts to drop down he hastily raised his slightly shaking hand to wipe it away. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You don’t need to tell me anything if you really don’t want to, but you have to talk to somebody,” May stops and clears her throat. “This can’t happen again, you could seriously hurt yourself doing something like this.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">May looks down blinking rapidly, “You know you can talk to me about anything. I’m here for you, I will never judge you but, maybe we need to think about going to see Sierra again.” May suggests quietly looking back up at him.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Peter shakes his head tears starting to fall faster than he can wipe them away. “It’s not that I don’t want to tell you,” Peter puts his hands in his lap trying to cover his thighs </span>
  <em>
    <span class="s2">why did you do that you idiot, she never would have known about the stupid cuts- </span>
  </em>
  <span class="s1">“It’s a lot and it doesn’t make sense unless I tell you </span>
  <span class="s2">everything</span>
  <span class="s1"> and you’ll think I’m disgusting-“ Peter cuts himself off scrubbing his face with his hands roughly.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“No, I could never be disgusted by you, Peter. And no matter how long of an explanation it is I’ll listen, I’m not judging you I’m just worried. I just want you to be happy and you know I’ll always be here to help you no matter what.” May looks sincere and Peter nods.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And he finally gets it all off his chest, he feels a little better afterwards. May holding him tightly to her chest while he talks, running her hands through his hair or rubbing his back. Then May takes his razor and leaves Peter to get into the shower to clean up. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">After he gets out of the shower he goes and sits on the couch next to May, leaning his head on her shoulder while she wraps her arm around him. They watch movies the rest of the night and Peter feels more relaxed then he has in awhile.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He won’t try the fasting again, he did learn something from this whole mess. But in the future he can’t say the same for the cuts. May doesn’t have to know and then it won’t matter. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">As long as he’s only doing it to himself it doesn’t matter, it’s not like he’s hurting anybody. He’ll take care of them, that way there’s no chance of infection or any way for anyone to find out.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And the cuts weren’t what he wanted to go away, he wants the new ones and the scars they create. But you never know what the future holds, he may grow to hate them as Sierra told him he could. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Guess he’ll see when he gets there. After all, if May doesn’t know what harm does a couple of cuts really do?</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading! I’ve been in a very contemplative mood lately and then this happened. If you liked it and wanna share your thoughts I’d love to read your comments!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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